Monthly Archives: April 2018

FreeWrite – 4/6

In Which I FreeWrite so I DoWrite:

The sickness grabbed him. Grabbed his stomach, caught him. Sleep, the exhaustion still with him had done nothing. The nausea was omnipresent this morning – one of the worst. His belly churned, he fell to the floor to crawl to the bathroom – his wife asleep.

How much longer could he keep the secret? How much longer until she discovered his awful truth? In his time on earth he’d found other strangers – the elves, hidden away, the trolls, disguised as people – but no one like himself. He was utterly alone.

It welled up within him, choking him as he knelt over the tub. He turned the shower on to wash away the mess, and managed to fall inside.

His mouth stretched around the expulsion. A large, round dome emerged – what if he didn’t shave his head? It was a silly thought, as final thoughts go.

Dome gave way to the identical face – the duplicate emerging, turning his innards inside out. Fingers reached up to peel away the old lips, his old bones gelatinizing in an instant, the fresh body emerging, bright pink, coated in goo. Water from the shower washed it away.

He stood, old memories speeding through his brain. Old skin, paper thin now. He would crumple it up, hide it, run it through the trash disposal before his wife came down.

It was a strange life, but it was his.

This Is A Query Letter

Hi Sirs!

This is just a letter to say I have written a book which you will know doubt race to publish! It is Die Hard meets Air Force One in Space with an intricate love story between alternate universe versions of the same President! I call it “Edge of the Atmosphere” and it will leave you breathless!

A bit about myself – I have been published 63 times by a local vanity press through the generous contribution of my uncle’s deaths. These 63 volumes convey my inner demons through narrative poetry written entirely in trochaic heptameter. I cannot share lines with you, as my concerns about copyright trump any concerns at appearing sane.

Suffice to say, they are brilliant. I did the illustrations myself in number two pencil and napkins.

In my spare time, I eschew the philistine act of television, living instead the Luddite lifestyle best serving an author of my caliber, similar to the hero in Edge of the Atmosphere – he is a man who gets called back to the world of technology, ironically over the phone!  Then, he meets himself, a women who made the choice to embrace technology and is also now a cyborg – I better stop, you will understand as you blaze through my masterpiece.

As requested, the first ten pages are attached. Also, the rest of the book. I understand you have requested email only, but I don’t trust it and have therefore chosen to submit via hard copy. Please return it as I do not want it falling into the wrong hands. This is why, you will notice, it has been printed on purple paper with a dense watermark.

Please arrange for the advance to be provided via cashier’s check to the return address, along with the contract.

I eagerly await your publishing contract.

The Villain of the Piece.

FreeWrite 4/5

InwhichIFreeWritesoIdoWRITE

INFODUMP:

I am trying, without trying, to post for the Poetry month on Twitter. I still have the tweeter separate from the facebase. Because, reasons.

Let me Tell You A Story:

Once upon a time there was a wizard who could ignite stuff with his mind. He couldn’t ignite water or anything stupid like that – but if it was flammable, he could look at it and catch it on fire.

No, shut up, he didn’t have heat vision. He didn’t have to “look” at it, but there was concentration involved. It wasn’t like, pyrokinesis either – it was MAGIC.

No – god, no, there were no magic words, but it was MAGIC I AM TELLING THE STORY STOP NIT-PICKING.

So, this wizard who was MAGIC – he could set things on fire WITH HIS MIND.

Also, he was a wolf.

Well, the wizard was walking along one day and he saw a house made of straw and hay. It was tightly packed, but it caught fire. Not because of the wolf wizard, but because of the moisture content in the hay – see, this is an educational story, too – and because of the moisture percentage being over 22% in the bales the house was built with, and it had been built six weeks prior, the wolf saw it catch fire.

Now, there would be a lot to explain to the police ordinarily, but this took place before the socialization of city safety and the land was mainly feudal in nature. I’m not sure why the pig (there was a pig living there) didn’t opt for the relative safety of the castle walls, but it doesn’t really matter because he was roasted in the fire.

He had been asleep, so he wasn’t aware as the carbon monoxide did him in before the flames – keep that in mind.

The wolf ate him.

The wolf ate him, which was not a big deal at the time because the society understood waste makes haste (I think that’s the phrase) and went along on his way, wondering about the coincidence of the fact he couldn’t set the house on fire since it had already caught fire.

Further down the game trail – this is a feudal society, so there weren’t too many major thoroughfares in development at the time, excluding Roman pathways – he saw a house of sticks with a pig living in it! Understanding the pig to be a sentient being – how else could it build a house – and having no quarrel, also having just eaten, he went by.

Unfortunately, the pig was using an open brazier instead of a fireplace. The resulting heat has dried the wood sufficiently to gasify the flammable components. The brazier was below some pine struts installed, ironically, for safety, and the whole place caught fire.

The wolf wizard didn’t have the magic power to STOP fires, only to start them, so he went to the river, got some water in his hat (wizards all wear hats) and brought it back.

This gave him a way to cool the pig down, because by the time he got back, the pig was also roasted alive. He had also been asleep – maybe it’s afternoon and they’re napping?

Well, the wolf ate the pig, bones too, because wolves do that sometimes, and went on his way finally arriving at a home built of earthen bricks. I’m not sure if they were proper modern bricks, to be honest, but it was certainly a well constructed home. No cob or clay – well, sturdy bricks. I suppose if we can accept a wolf wizard and sentient pigs, modern bricklaying can have been developed as well.

The house wasn’t flammable, because it was made of bricks, so the wolf walked by without incident.

Later that week, the pig went to visit his brothers and found the homes burned to the ground and their bodies missing. He didn’t fret as this sort of thing happened often before centralized police forces and citizenship allowed society to better keep track of people. He was sad, but there wasn’t much he could do.

Fearful for his life, though, he did move back inside the castle gates where he was subsequently denied citizenship by the humans living there and they ate him.

The End.

Freewrite – 4/4

In Which I FreeWrite so I DoWrite:

After yesterday’s adventure with the lawnmower, today is some lighter fare.

HOW TO ORDER PIZZA WITH A GROUP

Step One:  How many people are there? Plan on at least two slices per person, with at least on person insisting on cutting the last slice in half.

Step Two: Ignore the fact 1/10 of the pizza will be wasted as crust left on the plate by children masquerading as adults.

Step Three: Look, a bunch of people are going to insist you order a supreme pizza. This will the be the ONLY pizza with slices left over. Do not fall for their tricks – no one really like supreme pizza. If they did, it would be gone immediately.

Step Four: Cheese pizza.

Step Five: Pepperoni Pizza.

Step Six: Only order Hawaiian pizza if more than two people ask. It’s too polarizing and fistfights have ensued by food-bullies over pineapple on pizza.

Step Seven: Just pick a place at random.

Step Eight: Breadsticks are really “make your own pizza after it’s cooked,” but also delicious. Get the minis if they are available.

Step Nine: Start with a single Pepperoni and a Single Cheese Pizza. You will only need a single cheese pizza. After the Supreme, it will be the 2nd least eaten pizza.

Step Ten: Encourage Vegetarians to go full-vegan so you can order them a salad and not waste valuable pizza real estate on green peppers.

Step Eleven: Meat Lovers has sausage and sausage is gross.

Step Twelve: Don’t let anyone convince you to order wings from a pizza place. It’s pizza, sticks, and that’s it. No, don’t get the cinnamon bread either – why is this so hard?

Step Thirteen: Order mostly pepperoni, a few cheeses, maybe one supreme. How many people are there, anyway?

Step Fourteen: Look, they are only SAYING they want supreme. They’ll take one piece and then take two of the pepperoni. It’s what always happens, and it’s ridiculous.

Step Fifteen: Fine, they have to sign a paper stating they will only eat the supreme.

Step Sixteen: They can’t eat the cheese pizza either. That’s for the picky kid.

Step Seventeen: Maybe one Hawaiaan, but no red onions. What’s wrong with you?

Step Eighteen: No, it’s a group, don’t mess with the BBQ chicken either. People can get that on a date or something.

Step Nineteen: Yes, everyone has to contribute to the bill. Good Lord.

Step Twenty: We need more for the tip.

Step Twenty-One: No, don’t get drinks. Plan ahead and have some cans ready to go – Pizza Place Pop is marked up a minimum of 230%.

Step Twenty-Two: Paper plates and napkins.

Step Twenty-Three: Normal crusts – it’s for a group. Everyone should be unhappy.

Step Twenty-Four: Those boxes are hot.

Step Twenty-Five: Fight over the garlic butter and your half-empty bottle of Ranch dressing.

Step Twenty-Six: What are you going to do with fifteen empty boxes and half a supreme pizza?