In Which I FreeWrite so I DoWrite:
After yesterday’s adventure with the lawnmower, today is some lighter fare.
HOW TO ORDER PIZZA WITH A GROUP
Step One: How many people are there? Plan on at least two slices per person, with at least on person insisting on cutting the last slice in half.
Step Two: Ignore the fact 1/10 of the pizza will be wasted as crust left on the plate by children masquerading as adults.
Step Three: Look, a bunch of people are going to insist you order a supreme pizza. This will the be the ONLY pizza with slices left over. Do not fall for their tricks – no one really like supreme pizza. If they did, it would be gone immediately.
Step Four: Cheese pizza.
Step Five: Pepperoni Pizza.
Step Six: Only order Hawaiian pizza if more than two people ask. It’s too polarizing and fistfights have ensued by food-bullies over pineapple on pizza.
Step Seven: Just pick a place at random.
Step Eight: Breadsticks are really “make your own pizza after it’s cooked,” but also delicious. Get the minis if they are available.
Step Nine: Start with a single Pepperoni and a Single Cheese Pizza. You will only need a single cheese pizza. After the Supreme, it will be the 2nd least eaten pizza.
Step Ten: Encourage Vegetarians to go full-vegan so you can order them a salad and not waste valuable pizza real estate on green peppers.
Step Eleven: Meat Lovers has sausage and sausage is gross.
Step Twelve: Don’t let anyone convince you to order wings from a pizza place. It’s pizza, sticks, and that’s it. No, don’t get the cinnamon bread either – why is this so hard?
Step Thirteen: Order mostly pepperoni, a few cheeses, maybe one supreme. How many people are there, anyway?
Step Fourteen: Look, they are only SAYING they want supreme. They’ll take one piece and then take two of the pepperoni. It’s what always happens, and it’s ridiculous.
Step Fifteen: Fine, they have to sign a paper stating they will only eat the supreme.
Step Sixteen: They can’t eat the cheese pizza either. That’s for the picky kid.
Step Seventeen: Maybe one Hawaiaan, but no red onions. What’s wrong with you?
Step Eighteen: No, it’s a group, don’t mess with the BBQ chicken either. People can get that on a date or something.
Step Nineteen: Yes, everyone has to contribute to the bill. Good Lord.
Step Twenty: We need more for the tip.
Step Twenty-One: No, don’t get drinks. Plan ahead and have some cans ready to go – Pizza Place Pop is marked up a minimum of 230%.
Step Twenty-Two: Paper plates and napkins.
Step Twenty-Three: Normal crusts – it’s for a group. Everyone should be unhappy.
Step Twenty-Four: Those boxes are hot.
Step Twenty-Five: Fight over the garlic butter and your half-empty bottle of Ranch dressing.
Step Twenty-Six: What are you going to do with fifteen empty boxes and half a supreme pizza?