Four in A Row Beats 2011 Already (Also Top Chef)

Okay Dudes, here is the deal:  January 4th.  Two pounds gone.  Four days in a row of:  blog posts, working out, and letters to Sam.  Today – I also discovered the ease with which my phone’s voice recorder works.  This may be mundane to some – it is epic to me.  I can “write” in the car now.

Thanks be to Brianne for her milk crates.

I wanted to link to http://wildpointer.org/ as well.  It’s an old college friend’s blog and its ONLY ABOUT PROGRAMMING.  For reals, I don’t understand a lick – but it’s incredibly impressive as blogs go because its very focused.  My blog.  Not focused.

Yes, after three days of whatnot and nonsense, I’m going to watch Top Chef and blog about it.

We started late because of cable box issues – but it looks like – yes, Molecular Gastronomy!  I dig a little MG.  Crazy stuff, I’d love to try it.  I’d love to read Modernist Cuisine – which is not really Molecular Gastronomy I don’t believe.  What are they doing?  Listen, I think Wylie Dufrense, gastronomist he is, could cook a regular meal better than most without any silly tricks.

Okay, it’s Modernist.  Silly business.  WHAT THEY ARE EATING BUGS LATER?  THIS IS THE GREATEST TOP CHEF OF ALL.

Shoot, a commercial.  Bleah.  Okay – I will now disclose that I am fully on Team Beverly.  Am I alone?  Doubtful.  I also like the dude with the fu manchu action.  Sam thinks he talks funny, but I don’t mind.  Dude is crazy – what’s his name?  Oh well.

Alton Brown shilling grapes again.  I am not a fan of grape juice, Alton, so stop trying.  Also, I love you, Alton, but you use too much salt in everything.  He’s a salty old dude I spose.

Okay, while these commercials roll I will make up a story.  Once, there was a couch salesman and he sold couches to everyone – the rich, the poor – he was an equal opportunity couch salesman.  Couch salesman are a scientific and brave bunch.  They must sell to grouchy old men and hip young ladies.

Well, the problem was that he could sell everyone a couch – but could not find his own!

Oooooh, back on.  Beverly is squirting foam and she is socially awkward.  Feel your pain, Bev, feelin’ it.

What is raviolo, and who eats raw egg yolk?  I would eat salmon belly.  ED!  That’s the guy Sam hates.  Baby duty PAUSE

In time for the quickfire winner – it is young-Sam-Elliot-look-alike Ty-Lor who has an interesting name.

I don’t think BBQ when I hear Texas.  I think chili.  BBQ is not this regional magic thing, foolish earthlings – the best BBQ I’ve had was in Michigan.  It was brisket.  The meat?  Whatever heaven grows, no doubt.  Angelcows?  I don’t know.  Anyway, I also wouldn’t be excited to eat at a place called “The Salt Lick.”  Ew.

These chefs think two meats and three sides is crazy?  Pfh.  That’s light BBQ.  I like three meats and a potluck of sides.  I will tell you now, if you want to give me ‘Q, here is the menu:  Brisket (sliced), baby-backs, chopped pork, maybe St Louis ribs with sides.  Creamy coleslaw (vinegar slaw has no place with Q), baked beans, grilled corn with some old Bay, and grilled everything.  Also, several sauces but spicy is great.

This shopping trip is furshlugginer rad.  I am so very much trying to eat healthy, but meat and potatoes taste sooo good.  (I fattened up  on McRibs the last quarter of 2011)

Another commercial!  So, the couch salesman’s dream was to find the perfect couch for…himself.  Everyone who came to him found the couch of their dreams!  The couch, of course, would have to be built by hand… by his own hand.

Where would the materials come from?  How does one build the greatest couch in the world?  Archibald the couch salesman filled out the appropriate forms and bought a cloak and began his travels.  His mission?  The finest wood.  The greatest stuffing.  The svelte-ist fabric.

Oh, Archibald!  The bards would sing of you!  If you hadn’t been eaten by a rhinocerous.

BBQ rhinocerous?  I don’t know.

Ty-Lor and I are soul-cousins, I am sure of it.  That’s a lot of sausage.  It’s a veritable sausage party.  What a sauce mop.  What a pit!  That’s definitely the kind of thing I want when I move out of my parents’ basement (the new nickname for the apartment – except my parents’ basement has a washing machine, so it’s better)  Love cooking with wood, too.  Camp style.

Whoa?  Are they driving Toyota Venzas?  Hey!  They are driving Toyota Venzas!

This is the standard Top Chef “open fire” challenge where they make some chefs look like nerds who’ve never seen a real fire before.

Whoa – how much innuendo can one hot, meaty, moist, slow challenge handle?  Ha!  Ty-Lor is “pushing” himself to redeem his “beef” business.  He’s putting the steak behind him!

I don’t know if I would trust Beverly.  She lit bourbon on fire in a pot and set in dry grass?  Beverly, I might change teams!  Team Ed!  Team Chris!  I think this season they should really throw us off and Tom Colichio should be the winner.  Whoa, someone is taking a risk! Drink!

Meat has been lost and found again!  This meat should be lamb.  Get it?  It’s biblical.  All this smoking is setting a bad example.  These chefs look terrible.  Exhausted.  What kind of contest is this?

Beer can chicken is delicious and lends itself to songs.  Did you dudes watch this?  If you are reading this and do not watch Top Chef, this post is going to be INSANE.

“Have you ever seen beer can chicken?” you ask Tom Collichio.  Nope.  He’s more a Diet Coke Can chicken kind of guy.  See what I did there?  Dude drinks Diet Coke.  I drink Dr. Pepper and Ginger Ale because, deep down?  I am an old man.  This is my favorite part, when Tom walks around.  I wish he would do facetime with the camera like Johnny Iuzzini did last season.  (Top Chef – why is everyone’s name so hard to spell?)

These chefs are dirty.  And exhausted.  And future rich.

Chris Crary’s got the life.  In a sleeveless shirt.  Eating salty ribs.  Alton Brown ribs.  I tell you.

The sun has become an enemy.  That which my son calls “friend” is liken to Lucifer to these chefs.  And there is fire.  I will defend this Sarah lady – heat exhaustion is the pits.  That is an unintended pun.

I want to tell you now:  Diet Dr. Pepper does not taste like regular Dr. Pepper.  Diet soda is the sugar-free urine of the devil himself.

WATER BREAK!

Top Chef commercials are the pits.  That’s why we DVR.

Hey, we can take this time to talk about SHERLOCK – the BBC series that is amazing.  Wait, TC is back.

(Ed is super mad Sarah is gone, dude looks blazing hot, too)  EVERYTHING TY-LOR SAYS IS LADEN WITH SEX.

Ed looks like I do typically when I sweat.

Grayson is selling that Asian chow.

I feel like I should like top-knot man, but I just find him annoying.

HOMEMADE PICKLES!  That’s thing I would eat.  Also, there is blues.  Okay, I love winter, but I’m ready for summer as of this sentence. At least the smoky meats and blues and eating and beer.

Team Misfits has my favorite looking plate (team white).  Too bad the judges don’t seem to care for it.

The heatstroke team looks good, too.  Man, this episode is torture.

Look, you guys can finish watching on your own – I won’t spoil it.  I just discovered New England style hot dog buns.  True story – when we were in Connecticut, I thought they were slices of bread!

Woof, what a post.

Author: Matthew

A father, son, husband, and fairly rad dude.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s