TNTM: Superman!

Man, it is probably a testament to my lack of real taste that I still enjoy Smallville.  Of course I am only near the end of Season 7, so I don’t know the full horror of season 8, yet.  I cheat, obvi, and look up episode guides so I know there will be several DOA episodes which I will probably enjoy somewhat.  Each show should come (as I believe I have mentioned) with a “just the important bits” option so you can glean story-arc material from the devious one-shot episodes.  I would save time while still being entertained.

I watched Superman 2:  Richard Donner Flexes the other day and enjoyed it.  Superman: The Movie is by far my favorite translation onto the silver screen, but #2 still grabs me fairly well.  It shows its age in the big fight with Zod and gang, though.  Modern Day would create quite a dynamicker sequence, no doubt.  The eight year old in me wishes that instead of flying to the Fortress, Superman instead flies away to build up speed around the world to punch Zod in the back.

But wishes are wishes.

Man, did you see “Superman Returns?”  That movie is garbage.  I don’t know the ace behind the story decisions, but it was a bad move to be a direct sequel to Superman 2.  There’s this hit show called Smallville, you see, that has sort of re-imagined the origin and is a bit more in the forefront of your audience.  Stupidhead.

God.  My grammar is awful.

Problems with Superman Returns?

1.  It was boring.  As subjective as this judgement is, I have a hard time believing people watch this on DVD without yawning at least six times.  I know I would fall asleep with it on, were I crazy enough to buy/rent it.  An action movie shouldn’t be boring, but so many are.  It’s the action set pieces themselves – they don’t engage me.  I’m picky, though – I found the action in Transformers boring as well.

2.  The Superkid.  Are you kidding me?  “Hey, Bill, lets throw out the 60+ years of source material and just pull something out of our ass.”  “Sure thing, Lou.”  Not only is an affront to the comic geek side of me, but it affronts my science geek side.  My suspension of disbelief allows for flying aliens with heat vision – heck, even if I saw the ship I wouldn’t believe any alien that it was an alien if I didn’t see some heat vision – but not for cross breeding with the locals.  It isn’t explained at all.  They turned to Superman from Science Fantasy/Fiction (its a blurred line) into straight Fantasy.  And that won’t do.

3.  Superman At The Hospital.  Were they shooting for an illustrated children’s book spinoff?  “Oh, Superman has to get a shot.  He’s not worried though, and neither should you be!”  Bleargh.  After the lifting of the Kryptonite island (also asinine) into space, I pretty much cut all the threads connecting me to the movie.  I wish the movie had come out this year now that I’ve started allowing myself to walk out of movies.  So I could walk out.

4.  Cyclops.  Why is he in this?  You know, it’s probably me, but I hate cross casting in Superhero movies, even if they are different universes.  The question “Why doesn’t he use his eye beams?” kept popping into my head and that’s never good.

5.  Kate what’s her name.  Seriously, I can’t tell a brunette Bosworth from a Holmes.  Why did they do this to me?

Anyway, I could go on, but it was just awful.  So awful I have been compelled to say why years after it came out.  That is bad.

When will Hollywood listen to me?  If I was in charge I’d make a planned trilogy.  Krypton, Smallville, Metropolis.  Krypton would take place on Krypton and end with Kal-El’s rocket being launched.  Then, y’know, some Smallville crap where he grows up a bit.  Finally Metropolis which would rip off the Superman:Birthright comic a LOT.  I’m not going to beat around the bush, that comic is the best origin I’ve ever read of Superman and should be a movie.  The only problem is that America is Lex Luthored out.  It would help he wouldn’t be in “Krypton” at all.

As for a Superman/Batman movie, I think it’s a poor idea.  As a fanboy, I would probably watch and hopefully love it, but logistically it’s a nightmare.  The best translation to screen of Batman is in The Dark Knight (argue if you want, but I’d say that’s the general consensus) and that movie’s world doesn’t lend itself to a Superman in it.  Unless someone manages to come up with some sort of realistic Superman, which is asinine.

So far, Superman: The Movie is the only decent translation I’ve seen to moving pictures, especially for its time period.  Smallville (the show) kind of demonstrates that television is a better medium since you get that whole “issue to issue” feel.  That’s the hard thing with movies.  You’ve got to have them self-contained unless you plan it out.

Anyway, my point is that I dig Superman but I really feel he’s been pretty played out.  There’s some cool new stuff in the comics, but it’s changed the Superman world significantly so its a different story entirely.  Which is a good thing.

Also, most of his villains are lame.

Author: Matthew

A father, son, husband, and fairly rad dude.

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