A Science Lesson

We bought the paper today.  I try to get it whenever I can so I can keep abreast of the local happenings and whatnot.  We do get it every Sunday, since there are coupons we can clip.  Hopefully, after the new year we will have the capital to invest in a subscription.  Then, we can read all sorts of crazy things.  Like the editorials by Stillwater local, Samuel Kraemer.  There’s not a link up for the editorial today, yet.  I’ll post the link when it’s on the Newspress homepage.  You can read his thoughts on ANWR meanwhile.

The editorial today has all the information one can glean from a Wikipedia article.  The reader is informed about the elliptical path of the earth and it’s tilt from the sun.  All of this information is going to help him prove that global warming is a hoax.  This is so upsetting I can’t even use sarcasm to deal with it.

I get very frustrated by people claiming global warming to be a hoax.  Generally, in the event of a hoax, there is something to be gained by the hoaxer.  In this case, the hoaxers are the majority of the scientific community and most of the USA.

Gosh.  He’s gone and called us out.  Think of all we could have gained if only everyone believed in Global Warming here in the USA.  If only our agenda could have been pushed forward earlier and we could have fooled everyone.  Think of all of the evil plans we could have enacted.  Evil stuff.

1)  Energy Independence.  Why, with everyone convinced burning oil was a bad thing back when GW first came up, we might have made the foolish mistake of heavily investing in alternative technology for our energy needs like solar, wind, and nuclear.  We might even have people manufacturing electric cars!

2)  A Better Transportation Infrastructure.  Once people realize it’s not environmentally friendly to drive across the country, they might have demanded a better public transportation system developing first in their cities and then expanding into some sort of low-energy mag-lev rail system that criscrossed the country!  In a really evil move, we might have found a way to easily load our electric cars onto the rail system and drive them off the track at our destination.

3)  Less Money to Roads, more to other things.  With less cars on the road and more all-terrain bicycles, we might have taken money away from road maintenance.  Man, this is the evil plan I’m most ashamed of.  That money would have gone to help fund other things.  Probably other silly things like education and public transit.

4)  Cleaner Air.  This is the most apparent.  Obviously, those of us behind this bold hoax to promote public transportation and walking had this idea at the forefront.  Without all those messy coal and oil plants and with less gasoline cars on the roads, places like LA would have less smog.  The thing that really makes them epic in the minds of Americans everywhere.  If only there were some other memorable feature of big cities, this one might have worked.  But if you take the smog away from cities, what do you get?

I could go on, but I think I’ve hit the major four.  Anything else would be a stretch.  Like how carpooling could promote a stronger work community and therefore increase productivity.  How people could save on their electricity bill because they demand products that use less energy.

Sorry everyone.  The hoax has been discovered.  I guess our evil plans will have to wait.

In Which: I Complain

Autumn.  A beautiful time of year.  When you go pick apples at the orchard and take long walks in the crisp air as the leaves explode in color around you.  Except in Oklahoma, where it was eighty degrees yesterday.  They don’t even have haunted houses here.

Sam and I tried to go out to eat last night.  We were successful.  Finally.  We really wanted to go someplace that was fancy.  We ended up at Red Lobster, which is apparently the height of fancy in Stillwater.  There is one restaurant that almost fits the bill, but their main focus is steaks.  I enjoy steak, but paying over twenty dollars for something I know I can cook at home is not my cup of tea.

When I go someplace “Fancy,” I except I’ll have to wear long pants and that there will be the following items available on the menu:  lamb, duck, asparagus, and some sort of homemade ice cream.  Especially the lamb.  Lamb is practically a non-entity here in Stillwater.

Then it was off to the movies.  Where, despite having six screens open in a ten screen theatre, we had a small selection of terrible movies.  The Stillwater theatres policy seems to be one of “If there are three movies, let’s get the worst one.”  The tickets are only six bucks, which is okay.  But they didn’t even get the movie “College.”  It’s a college town.  This is my imagined plan.

“Hello, my name is Matthew Abel.  I’d like to apply for the Manager position.”
“We don’t need to hire a Manager right now.”
“Yes.  Yes you do.”

CRIMES OF THE CARMIKE 10 IN STILLWATER:
1)  Whereupon a Friday or Saturday evening with a line extending ten feet from the sidewalk, there is only one ticket register open.

2)  Whereupon when buying food, they wait until you are juggling your popcorn and drink to take your money/card so you must wait longer.

3)  Whereupon there are human feces adhered to the toilet seat in the men’s room.

4)  Whereupon the lobby temperature is a sweltering 90 degrees and the theaters are a frigid 17.

The only good thing about this theatre is the amount of previews prior to the main attraction.  And that’s not something many people like.  The Stillwater movie experience is pretty terrible.  If I were going to be staying here for any length of time, I would be working hard at opening my own.  I could have two screens, but if I showed first run I would shut the Carmike down in six months.